Perfectionism: What It Is and Why to Stop It

Many people have a fundamental misconception about perfectionism.  They believe that if you’re a “perfectionist,” you’re actually perfect.  I used believe I couldn’t possibly be a perfectionist because there were so many things I saw as wrong in my life. But I was wrong - I was a perfectionist because I was terrified of failure and that held me back.

Perfectionism, put simply, is fear of being and feeling imperfect.  It’s fear of failing, fear of being “found out” as less than perfect, fear of judgement from your colleagues, opposing counsel, judges, and sometimes even the stranger behind you in line at the grocery store.  It’s constantly thinking about what’s wrong with your life.  It’s believing that your life could always be better.  It’s equating your mistakes or failures with who you are.  Most importantly, perfectionism is the lie that if you just improved yourself enough then you’d finally be able to quiet the demons that tell you you’re not enough and finally feel worthy.  But with each goal you achieve, you find ways of believing you’re still not enough.   

In case you need convincing on the costs of perfectionism, I’ve come up with…

Five Reasons to Stop Perfectionism In Its Tracks:   

1)         Perfectionism produces shame and shame keeps us separate.  

Have you ever noticed that when something negative or embarrassing happens, like when you receive a less than perfect performance review, or send a gossipy work email to the wrong recipient, the last thing you want to do is confess to your friends or family what happened? 

Your heart beats faster, your face reddens, and all you want to do is crawl into a dark hole and will this feeling away.  This is because your perfectionism is acting up to produce shame. 

When we’re perfectionists, we believe that this one mistaken email or one bad review means that we ourselves are bad.  This is perfectionistic shame.  Brené Brown, renowned vulnerability and shame researcher points out in her book, Daring Greatly, that shame thrives in darkness.  She states: “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.  That’s why it loves perfectionists – it’s so easy to keep us quiet.”  

Perfectionists often keep quiet and don’t share their stories with friends, work colleagues, or even partners for fear of judgment.  This separation only leads to increased pain.  

Once your story is out in the open, shame has nowhere to hide.

2)         Perfectionism leads to procrastination and lower work quality.

Perfectionism does not actually make you or your work perfect.  You may falsely believe that if you abandon your perfectionist tendencies, you’ll have to lower your standards and produce bad work.  The opposite is in fact true.  Perfectionism is paralyzing. It leads to procrastination and to producing lower quality work, or no work at all. 

The perfectionist mindset insists that this brief, argument, indictment, or complaint has to be laid out and argued perfectly.  It insists that if my work isn’t perfect, everyone will know I’m a fraud, think I’m stupid, or not hire me in the future.  The problem is that these thoughts lead nowhere productive.  Instead, they produce anxiety, avoidance, inertia, and wasted time. 

3)         Perfectionism keeps you small.

Another evil side-effect of perfectionism is that it keeps you playing small.  Women especially are taught by society and sometimes our nuclear families that we need to look and act perfect.  When we equate our self-worth with our external accomplishments, we grow terrified of making mistakes.  This perfectionist mindset convinces us that if we can’t do something perfectly on the first try then it’s not worth it.  We’re convinced that the hit we’ll take to our self-esteem if we try something new and fail is too much, so we don’t try at all and in turn we stay small. 

4)         Perfectionism keeps you from experiencing joy.

Perfectionism robs you of experiencing joy in this one precious life (and career) you have. 

For one, perfectionists have trouble living in the moment because they are always striving for more.  Wanting to learn and grow and succeed is great and I feel it too, but the relentless desire to obtain something that does not exist – perfection – is harmful. 

Perfectionism, no doubt, runs in the lawyer family, and it’s one of the main reasons, I believe, why rates of depression, anxiety, alcoholism, and suicide are so high amongst lawyers.     

5)         “Perfect” people are boring.

Yes, I said it. No one can deny that people who put on a façade of perfection are, well, perfectly boring.  Would you want to be friends with someone who never admitted or showed any flaws?  Would you want to work long hours preparing for a trial with someone who insisted they knew everything and never asked for your input?  I don’t think so. 

The best gift a dear friend of mine ever gave me was to be honest with me about my flaws, then to love me because of them not in spite of them.  In his view, they made me human and relatable; they made me, me. 

I’m not telling you to never examine your weaknesses or try to improve - in fact, I’m a huge proponent of looking at and learning from mistakes. But if you can remember that you’re lovable because of your weakness and struggles, not in spite of them, that will make a huge difference. 

We all have flaws, and even at work, they’re what makes us human and relatable. 

Hopefully I’ve sufficiently convinced you that being a perfectionist will not benefit your mental health or make you more of a badass in your career.  Now that you know you don’t want to be a perfectionist, hop over to my next post, How to Stop Being a Perfectionist, where I teach you how to put perfectionism to bed once and for all!